Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Manito-ROT-a

(a parody of a parody)
Ruminations on life in Manitowoc County

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece of Tripple P.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you have to speak to a County Supervisor.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
and heed well the advice of Chairman Jim Brey, even though he be a turkey.
Know what to kiss... and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right... but that three do.
Wherever possible, stay in touch by email.
Be comforted that in the face of all coming storms and disillusionment,
and despite the collapsing revenue streams of our time
there is always a big future in labor outsourcing.

Remember the Health Care Center.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.
Know yourself. If you need help, call Sharon Cornils.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
especially with those persons closest to you...
that Jeff Beyer, for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most County Official’s souls
would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love, therefore; that costs money.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth,
birds, clean air, taxes, health care, highways,
and let not the ideas of others enter your head.
Hire people with connections.
For a good time call 683-4080. Ask for Todd.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom
that your dog is finally getting enough cheese,
and reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot,
it could only be worse in Milwaukee County.

You are the only one complaining!
You have no right to those documents!
Whether you can hear it or not,
the hockey moms are laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god,
whatever you conceive him to be:
omnipotent County Executive or torturing Vice President.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and privatizations,
the County continues to deteriorate.

Give up!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Manitowoc County Math Test

Leave no crony behind!

Owing to problems with basic math at Manitowoc County, Executive Bob Ziegelbauer has implemented the following math competency test to all high level managers.

(Please feel free to post your own suggestions for test questions below!)

1. If Jeff Beyer gives away $100 in Chamber Bucks on Monday, $200 in Chamber Bucks on Tuesday and $250 on Wednesday then how many Chamber Bucks will Jeff have given away by the time he gets home on Wednesday night?

Ans: None.  Todd Reckelberg lost the receipt.

2. Sharon Cornils just told you that tomorrow it is going to be twice as cold as it is right now.  What temperature is it going to be tomorrow at 7:00 AM if you check the thermometer and discover that the current temp is ZERO?

Ans: "That's arguable"

3. If Bob takes a week vacation in Florida in March and another week in California in April then how many business days was he absent from his County job?

Ans: Neither he nor the County keep any records.

4. If Sharon Cornils sent Bob a memo on Tuesday and Jeff Beyer sent him another on Wednesday and Todd Reckelberg wrote him a letter on Friday, how many important office communications did he receive that week?

Ans: None. He was on vacation that week.

5. If Bob claimed 53 per diem expense days from the Wisconsin Clerk of the Assembly last year then how many of those were business days?

Ans: Its not a problem and you are the only one complaining!

6.  If Bob previously told you in an email that he does "... not get any vacation days here." and you remind him of his answer to #4, how many vacation days does he then admit to taking?

Ans: None. He was only "speculating" about the vacation.

7. If the Health Care Center was loosing 3 million every year and Human Services lost 2.5 million which then had to be cut then how much has the Ice Center lost after being brought into County ownership?

Ans: The Ice Center is part of Public Works so there aren't any records.

8. From #7, how long will it take for Bob to cut funding for the MCIC?

Ans: That number is best expressed by a ratio of the number of his friends and relatives who have sons in the hockey league and infinity.

9. If the HTR prints another story on the PPP scandal how many extra papers will they sell?

Ans: As many as Jim Brey can find and burn.

10. If Todd Reckelberg reviewed the bids for Ice Center labor contracts and pronounced PPP the low bid.  Then three years later Sharon Cornils reviews the same bids and describes them as "comparable", which County employee is closer to the correct answer?

Ans: A ham sandwich

Multiple Choice

If Bob began his administration with a $7,000,000.00 reserve fund and now only has $250,000.00 left where did the other $6,750,000.00 go?

A) This is evidence of the collapsing revenues of the County.
B) What seven million?
C) Doyle took it all.
D) Chamber Bucks

If the County builds a 15 million dollar Joint Dispatch Center with an entire 3600 sq ft floor dedicated to computers and the average computer system can now fit into a small closet what will the remainder of the space be used for?

A) You can never have enough storage space!
B) A fitness center for the IT staph.
C) Lounge for PPP employees
D) Youth Hockey!

If the County builds a 15 million dollar facility and Bob decides to sell it for 6 million because we can't afford the payments what should he do with the cash?

A) Pay off the bond
B) Speculate in Chamber Buck futures
C) Remodel the Courthouse!

If Highway Dept Supervisor Kennedy overbids 10 out of 10 bids to towns and refuses another 10 losing 100% of all town business, then to compensate Bob lays off 3/4 of the Highway Dept employees, cuts union pay by 5% effectively cutting the County budget by 20% , how much will your taxes drop as a result?

A) -20% (right?)
B) This is evidence of the County's collapsing revenue stream.
C) Hey! Look over there! A big storm is coming!
D) They rose 1.1%

If Bob went hiking for 10 days on the Appalachian trail that included the 4th of July weekend and the 4th came on a Thursday that year how many business days would he miss?

Ans: None.  Venezuelan  women don't want him either.